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Friday, July 30, 2010

Take this cup away...

Okay, I confess. Every single day over the past few weeks, I've felt like I don't want to go.

I want to stay here in my comfortable little Norwood home, see my friends, get an idiot-job-type-job and just live a life with my beautiful family. Go to the football. Go to the beach in summer. Watch my girls grow up a little bit more. Hang out with my favorite person--my wife Sue.

Apart from having no work that's worth doing, I have a great life here. Even working part-time since leaving a full-time university job, I've managed to save money and enjoy life. Who said work has to be fulfilling? I can alienate my labor, just like most people do.

But there's this "call" thing that won't go away. That nags at me like a kvetching Jewish mother about how I've never lived up to my potential, especially in terms of making the world a better place. "You have gifts," the voice says. "Oy, meine kind,  why don't use them to inspire and comfort those that are in need of both? What are you wasting your life for? And take out the trash!"

It's really not all that negative all the time, though. I do get to orchestrate services, composing prayers, meditations, benedictions, and 20 minute addresses that can combine rhetoric, narrative, lyricism, humor, epigrams---PLUS I get to deliver them and use my voice and presence. It's a perfect confluence of writing and acting that can move, educate, challenge, and console. It is a wonderfully enriching, creative process. It's hard, but worth doing on many levels.

The cost of doing it, though, is nothing less than all the security, stability, and comfortable familiarity I've build up over the decade or so I've been lucky enough to live the good life in the "lucky" country.

Cost-benefit analysis anyone?

1 comment:

  1. You dear man, I have enormous faith in you and all you choose to do. I do hear you about doubt. I guess I'm just trying to talk myself out of it.