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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Some assembly required--notes toward a pre-Christmas address

Congratulations on your purchase of the new Christmas 2010, Millenium edition! Once assembled, it will give you 12 days of shiny, fluffy service, creating rosy nostalgia that will long outlast what you ever intended!

Please ensure that the following parts have been included:

Parts list:

12 months a-paying off credit cards

11 cards from people you’ve never met.

10 metric tonnes of shredded wrapping paper

9 unwrapped bottles of undrinkable wine

8 hours whiled away a-tv watching

7 9-volt batteries needed

6 buttery puddings

5 useless things!

4 maiden wickets

3 invitations declined

2 hours at church

....and Her Majesty’s Christmas address!

Assembly instructions:

Step 1: Fold ‘goodwill toward men’ into 'peace on earth'. Note: this may require the use of force.

Step 2: Insert token incarnation of God into large corporate-profit-driven consumer orgy.

Step 3: Screw financial solvency.

Step 4: Hold ever-dimming fragments of nostalgic Christmas memories in your hands. Do not worry if they dissolve like wet cake in the rain. This is normal.

Step 5: Join these fragments of memory together with lashings of exotic foodstuffs and liberal amounts of drink

Step 6: Place well to the back of your mind the nagging sense that you should be giving all this money to charity and spending time working a soup kitchen

Step 7: Nail Samaritans' number directly above phone.

Step 8: Wipe with clean soft swaddling cloth and lay in manger. (Avoid contact with livestock if planning to travel.)

Please discard packaging responsibly. Or in the Coles parking lot dumpster.

Congratulations! your Christmas 2010 millennium edition is now IN-complete.

(If for any reason you are not completely happy with your purchase, contact one of our service centres for support. Note: due to factors beyond our control, response times may vary up to, well, eternity.)


  1. Is a maiden wicket in any way similar to a virgin birth?

  2. It is only in he sense that it's somewhat remarkable and no one gets to score. aside from that it's a cricketing term.

    Nice post, thankfully for the most part our family avoids Christmas and just gathers sometime in December/January/April!! (hard to find common holidays). I've yet to convince my family that they should donate the money for my gifts to charity and then just tell me about it. Something to do with reciprocation traps.

    Looking forward to next weekend :D you'll have to tell me how the UK is (and more importantly how the training is going).

  3. No one gets to score!!! White, you funny!

    Looking forward to seeing you too, will have a 10-minute de-brief with anyone interested in what the training entails, post-coffee of course.

  4. I love your blog Rob. I often wondered what that little guy in the Ikea instruction brochure would do in situations where the family is 'broken' and the table cloth sets alight in lieu of the pudding. Christmas is a complex time .. it fills one chamber of my heart with joy and the other with sadness and regret. Is that what it means to be a grown up?
    On reflection of my year, my silent consumption of your words has most definitely been a highlight. More please.
    All my love to you and your family.

  5. Coming from you, Nat, I feel flattered indeed.

    Stay tuned. Love from all here to you and yours.