Some assembly required--notes toward a pre-Christmas address

Congratulations on your purchase of the new Christmas 2010, Millenium edition! Once assembled, it will give you 12 days of shiny, fluffy service, creating rosy nostalgia that will long outlast what you ever intended!

Please ensure that the following parts have been included:

Parts list:

12 months a-paying off credit cards

11 cards from people you’ve never met.

10 metric tonnes of shredded wrapping paper

9 unwrapped bottles of undrinkable wine

8 hours whiled away a-tv watching

7 9-volt batteries needed

6 buttery puddings

5 useless things!

4 maiden wickets

3 invitations declined

2 hours at church

....and Her Majesty’s Christmas address!

Assembly instructions:

Step 1: Fold ‘goodwill toward men’ into 'peace on earth'. Note: this may require the use of force.

Step 2: Insert token incarnation of God into large corporate-profit-driven consumer orgy.

Step 3: Screw financial solvency.

Step 4: Hold ever-dimming fragments of nostalgic Christmas memories in your hands. Do not worry if they dissolve like wet cake in the rain. This is normal.

Step 5: Join these fragments of memory together with lashings of exotic foodstuffs and liberal amounts of drink

Step 6: Place well to the back of your mind the nagging sense that you should be giving all this money to charity and spending time working a soup kitchen

Step 7: Nail Samaritans' number directly above phone.

Step 8: Wipe with clean soft swaddling cloth and lay in manger. (Avoid contact with livestock if planning to travel.)

Please discard packaging responsibly. Or in the Coles parking lot dumpster.

Congratulations! your Christmas 2010 millennium edition is now IN-complete.

(If for any reason you are not completely happy with your purchase, contact one of our service centres for support. Note: due to factors beyond our control, response times may vary up to, well, eternity.)